100 Likers Post....

So, hello there, welcome to my 100 Likers Post.
In case you're wondering why it matters if a blogger has 5 readers or 20 readers or 100 readers, let me tell you I wasn't sure why either.
So, I had a think, and this is what I have come up with...

I write my blog for a number of reasons:
From the first blog I wrote, I felt a huge gush of pleasure when I had finished. I really felt good. Its very cathartic. Its like keeping a diary, but you know, leaving it open for one or two hundred people to read. It helps me nut things out and have a laugh at the same time.

So, if a person writes a book and sells 20 copies its good. If she sells 100 copies its better.
If a person puts on a play and 20 come people come, its good. If 100 people come its better.
Its about sharing the thing you've created. 
Having an audience.
If I really wanted to keep an actual diary, I would, you know write it and not hit PUBLISH.
So, I like that people read my blog. Consume my words and hopefully get a laugh.

Anyhoo..... If you've been with me since the birth of this blog, six months ago, you'll note some changes have occurred. (If you haven't, take a trip through the months if you get some time to spare - maybe I'll re-post some favourite blogs....)

A Heart Full Of Chaos all started rather predictably as an outlet for a bored frustrated stay at home mother to two, wife to one.
Here's something you didn't know - I had NO idea that there was a whole sub-species of mummy-bloggers, I swear I had never read even one.There are like, a zillion of them... us.

Too much washing, too much hoovering, too little time, two amazing children with too much ability to drive me cuckoo. Too little creative outlet, too frustrated.....

And just looky where we've found ourselves six months later!!

There is no way that I will be able to avoid blogging about my new journey through Cancer Land.
Athough it seems like a sharp turn around, it isnt really.
Its just still me blogging to understand and make sense, and have a laugh at whats going on in my world.

The references to my kids which til now have been amusing and charming, will be just a bit more painful. You see, in amongst all this medical carry-on, the only thing that makes me feel really heart broken is my babies proximity to it all.

They don't know mummy is sick, or mummy is going to lose her hair, or any of the other shit that might go down. But I promise you to always conduct myself with good humour and to share the bits I think you'll enjoy. I am sure Mr 4 and Miss 6 will still come up with the goods.

You see, I really enjoy writing this blog and so will keep dancin' to entertain you all. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts and comments. (The comments by the way are sort of like the audience clapping at the end of the play....up to you.)

LOVE!!

A Heart Full of FAAAAAAAAAAARK!!!!!!!!!!

Yes folks, if you read my last post, you will know that the title of this post ^ ^ ^ ^ herewith does indeed mean that the results I had been awaiting last week, were in fact, Shitty News.

Last Friday at about 5pm my already slightly pear shaped world moved ever so slightly closer to 'The Dogs.'

You know when a surgeon comes into the reception area and looks at you and the only other patient, and says "Christine, I'll see you last, today......." Its unlikely to be a celebratory consultation. It is fair to hedge your bets that it wont be a quick, light hearted delivery of stress relieving news. And you can bet your left leg that he isn't saving you for last cause it'll be over real quick.

Nope, in fact what is likely to occur is something this:

Dr Tits: (no eye contact, shuffling pile of papers on desk) So, Christine, how are you?
Me: I don't know, how am I?
Dr Tits: Well, I'm afraid its not good news.
Me: No kidding. (am I going to throw up?? maybe.....)
Dr Tits: I'm sorry to tell you but the Pathology report (the afore mentioned pile of papers) has come back showing that the cancer is in fact widespread throughout the breast and (YADDA YADDA YADDA) Invasive cancer was found to be present (YADDA YADDA YADDA) Mastectomy (YADDA YADDA YADDA) Chemotherapy (YADDA YADDA YADDA) As soon as possible. (Yadda.........)

Hm.

Did. Not. See. That. Coming.

I notice that people, including Dr. Tits have stopped telling me I'm lucky.
Frickin' right, UN-bloody-Lucky more like!

Now, I have never been a 'Why Me' type of person.
I never asked the question when Cancer struck down my beautiful Mum so young.
And I'm not asking it now.
Why Not Me?
Its going to have to be someone, might as well be me.
Luck of the Draw.
I have never felt like a victim in any of this, but you know what? I will be Struck Down by an angry travelcade of infectious sword wielding Malignancies before anyone takes anything from my children.

FUCK. THAT.

You leave my children out of this, and that means You have chosen the wrong girl, Asshat.
You can take my Boobs but you CANNOT TAKE MY KIDS' MUM.

NO.

Besides that little bit Angry Warrior Queen in me, my heart feels...... quiet.

I feel calm and well resourced.
I am dealing with this in practical terms. Appointments, schedules, surgeons, oncologists, cup-sizes....
I am surrounded by a super powered band of Angels who are helping me and holding me up every step of the way.
I am well placed to deal with this ( I don't really fancy the word 'Fight' either...)

Other words I don't like so far in Cancer Land : Brave, battle and journey (PUKE!)

This isn't a journey, I was already on a journey, this is a detour, a glitch in the journey.
And soon enough, I will be back on the original journey.

With a killer new sets of Boobs :)

Cancer. Now that I have your attention.....

So, Ive decided how I'd like to die.

(((((((((((((DRAMA QUEEN ALERT)))))))))))))

I'd like to die in a tidal wave of fresh flowers, tropical fruit, homemade lasagne and soup, love, cake, tea, prayers, thoughts, kindness, friendship, family, hugs, tears and laughter.

That's where I am right now and it feels good. Overwhelming but really special and good.

I've been out of the old bloggeroo circle for a bit cause I have had a thing going on which has been kind of a big deal.
And while I have thought many times about blog posts over the past few weeks, I have felt that it would be dishonest and superficial to not blog about the big deal but I wasn't really ready to blog about it yet.

You keeping up?

Some of you already know that the big deal is Cancer.

Breast cancer.

Me.

My breast.

Well, my partial breast now.

If you're unlucky enough to have ridden the Cancer Fun Bus before, you will know that it travels pretty bloody quickly and the time between testing, diagnosis and the kind hand of the surgeon can be like the blink of an eye - a week or so for me.

I have been, to this point, incredibly lucky.
I have the kind of breast cancer which is like a tiny little, hard, green tomato still on the bush. It could have been different. My specialist told me that my symptoms (I wont gross you out) would go away of their own accord and I should check back with him in six months.

Remember that Cancer Fun Bus I told you about?
Yeah, the reason it travels so quick is because the evil, bloody eyed, bastard which is Cancer can travel like lightning.
I have decided not to dwell on the what-if's but in six months time lets just say that my tiny little, hard, green tomato may have grown, ripened and splattered its manky seed all over my garden bed.

The word LUCKY doesn't even do justice to what I am right now.

So, since I last blogged, I have had the dreggy diagnosis and the initial part of the treatment: surgery.

Let me tell you this. No matter how you feel about your breasts, you will feel a whole lot more attached to them when the surgeon tells you significant parts of them will be fodder for the incinerator.

I'm not a particularly vain person.
I never entered any wet t shirt contests (bloody should've, but.)
I never even flashed them about (excepting the odd low cut top)
Really, only a very few people have even see them to confirm their existence.....
So, you know my public life isnt that different really.
BUT THEY'RE MY BOOBS!!!

Y'know?

I kept my children alive with them for 26 months!!!
(insert joke about ten years of marriage) **see foot note

So, Ive had to give up a slice of my right breast to potentially save my life.
No big deal. (As a wise friend of mine said to me "CUT. THEM. OFF!!!!")
And I would.
I will.
If I have to.
Lots and lots of women have and will continue to do so, cause thats where we're at with breast cancer. And all cancers actually. Chopping off body parts. Amazing isnt it. One day we will look back and this will seem barbaric but at the moment, its the best we've got.

There you go, my blog family. That's my news. It's out.

I am awaiting results this week so either you'll hear from me not at all or I'll bore you to death trying to keep busy and hoping that my phone doesn't ring any time before Im due to see the surgeon, cause you know an early call-back is a BAD call-back.

Next step is six weeks of Radiation Therapy if the results from surgery are good.

If they're not good, well lets just say this blog might change name to 'A Heart Full of FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!'

Love to you all. XX

**Notice I didn't make any husband/boob jokes.
My husband has been a solid rock of awesome knight in shining armour through this. And out of respect to him I have omitted all boob man references to leave him alone in his changed world.
I chose to blog to y'all, he didnt. X

A sign from above .... or below??

So, I am standing at my kitchen sink tonight, doing, like, the fifth batch of dishes today, and I'm increasingly starting to grind my teeth, and slam stuff in to the dish drainer.

I think, if you haven't already picked up on this, you should know that I am no domestic goddess, and I am no housekeeping diva. There is not enough prescription medication or wine in the world to make me enjoy the uphill tasks involved in being a Stay at Home Mum. 

I love my kids and my husband with every molecule and every fiber of my being. But I hate the rest.

It makes me bitter and angry and irritable. I am rubbish at it because I loathe it.
There. I said it.

Am I the only one who feels this way? AM I?????

Anyways....
I am standing at the sink tonight and I have just hurled my radio into the bin because the reception is so shit, I can no longer stand it's company. (I am not crazy, this has been building for years....)

Mr 4 walks in to the kitchen. A tiny little blonde weedy fella, in his red undies.

I stop slamming.

Obviously.

He says "Mum, whats that bird that goes Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...............?

Me: Whats that mate?

Mr 4: What's that bird that goes Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...............?

Me: I'm not sure what you mean mate.....

Miss 6 (knower of all) passes by the door: He means the crickets

Me: Oh. Right. The crickets. They aren't birds.They are insects, like grasshoppers.

And I realize they are going crazy outside, as the sun sets. I hadn't heard them.

Too busy breaking stuff I s'pose......

Mr 4: Oh, right they sound like grasshoppers cause they're ARE grasshopper's! (And off he goes....)

And I look skyward and I realize that I have been sent a reality check. From above. Or from three feet below eye level....

The mental conundrum I suffer is this: I am in a hate - hate relationship with ALOT of stuff in day to day life, but I am very fuckin' spiritual.
And I am way and beyond when it comes to giving my babies love, care and attention.
I answer about 90% of the 6 billion questions thrown at me every day.
And I hug and kiss and smell my children as much as they'll let me.

I GET mindfulness. I understand being in the moment. Just, sometimes, silly shit gets in the way of what's important.

I have heard people tell me that you should slow down and enjoy your kids cause they arent little forever. And you know what?
Annoyingly, its true.

Little men in red undies and grasshoppers says its so.

Paper Vs Kindling

So, I just finished reading my first electronic book.

I was resistant, I don't mind telling you. The less technology in my life the better if I'm honest.
Technology and its out-of-control advancements make me feel dirty. Its a slippery slope to never having to think or interact with flesh and blood humans.
But that's just me, I can be a bit of a drama queen when it comes to the end of humanity as we know it.....

But I digress....

So in a great twist of irony, the book I read was really, really enjoyable.
I have read it before and it has always stayed with me. You know the type.
And I was convinced by the resident techno-holic (and the fractional price) to read it a-la-kindle.

Well, it took me two months to read it.
TWO MONTHS.
It wasn't Ulysses.
Or Shantaram.
Why did it take so long?
Glad you asked.....

10  REASONS I WONT BE SWAPPING PAPER FOR KINDLING: (this was supposed to be a list of 5, but I just couldn't stop....)

1. The log in process robs me of precious reading time. You know those priceless two minutes when you're hiding behind you bedroom door in the morning, shouting to your kids that you're getting in the car and leaving RIGHT NOW, but actually you're quickly devouring the last page of the chapter you couldn't finish last night?
Well by the time I have logged in and loaded, those special moments are gone up in a puff of potential radio activity......

2. I am paranoid that I am giving my kids the impression that I am having extended periods of screen time. Especially when we are all together, you know together, but doing our own thing. I think reading should be encouraged in all aspects of daily life - I allow reading over a cereal bowl, when the lights are supposed to be out at night, in the bath, on the swing, in the car. Pretty much any time. But sitting on a computer in these situations is just plain rude and ghastly. I found myself telling my kids repeatedly that I was reading a book, and even showing them..."Look, guys, Mummy is reading a BOOK". Though they didn't seem to care: "That's nice, Mum...."

3. Books don't have graphics cards which need upgrading right when the very rare and beautiful Golden Hour strikes (aka. kids are happy in front of a movie on a hot afternoon and mummy switches on the fan and lies down with a book).

4. Kids cant make the words on a paper book disappear into thin air whilst searching sneakily for games..... of which there are NONE!!! ITS A BOOK DAMMIT!!!!!!
Well, they probably can, but my two are old enough to not throw a book in to the toilet or cut it up with scissors. (Sadly, not the case when Miss 6 got hold of my 1966 copy of  'Catcher in the Rye' a few years ago....)

5. You cant fill an eight foot high book shelf with a Kindle. I am a book hoarder. I love my books, I love to keep them - when I lend them I want them back. I have multiple copies of some books, even Ulysses, which I will probably never read. I love looking at them, buying them, borrowing them, owning them, talking about them. I wish I could afford to buy more. And more and more. My novels and other paper treasures are my most prized possessions.
You know, after my family 'n stuff.

6. I cant read the e-reader outdoors because of the reflection. If you cant read at the pool in the summer, what's the point?

7. I cant read it in the bath, which is my most favourite thing to do - its just dangerous. Especially when there's a sneaky little glass of wine involved.

8. It needs to be plugged in which creates a safety hazard trailing across the kitchen floor (aka, my office).

9. You cant easily just flick back to check one little detail quickly - it takes like, five minutes for the stupid thing to "think" about flipping back.... Paper books don't try to be clever.

10. Book shops. If you don't understand this, then you probably have a Kindle.

Happy Reading my fellow Chaotics, Any way you can!

Happy New-ish Year!

Hello Fellow Chaotics!

Happy new-ish year to you all, I hope you are recovering nicely from cyclone Christmas Season.

Of course right on the back of the cyclone came tornado New-Year and the low weather system we seem to be experiencing: typhoon School-Holidays and of course the painful heat wave also known as a Heatwave!

Not complaining though, Love Summer, Love School Holidays, Love Summer, Love School Holidays....Love them.

Most of the time.

So are you all getting trim, fit, healthy and spiritual as hell for your new year resolutions? Yeah me too. Its hard though, at a time of the year when its socially acceptable to drink champagne every lunch time and eating has nothing to do with hunger.... And its too hot to move.

As for becoming spiritual as hell, I have made a bit of a resolution - lame, I know. I am endeavoring to be..... ready? Less chaotic.

You know:  roll with the punches, take it as it comes, let it go, be cool.
But maybe that's what got me into the chaos dilemma in the first place....

I am resolving to be more mindful, focussed, less stressy, less shouty and more smiley.
Shut up, I can totally do it.
I just need to find me a quiet chalet on a mountain top in remote Switzerland and POOF, calm and composed.
Ah, who am I kidding.

All jokes aside, I am seriously focusing on making this year count for me as a person though, you know what I mean?
Less time spent worrying about my role as a mother, wife, housefrau, more time freaking out - I mean, working on the individual me. Ive got a few ideas to grow and better myself, so LOOK OUT!

Happy Newish Year beautiful readers, I hope you all feel terrific today.
Love!

Mr 3 becomes Mr 4.....

So you'll be noticing a new character in my blogerations from now on.
No, I haven't had another child - may I be struck down by a speeding rubbish truck at dawn before that happens... (not to be too dramatic about it...)

My beloved Mr 3, having become a staple source of inspiration for my musings has turned 4.

I have many times shared snippits of our loooong days of stimulating conversation about important things, like Where Dreams Are...:

Me: They're in your head
Mr3: No, where, ARE they?
Me:They're in your sleep
Mr3: No WHERE ARE they???
Me: (whimpering in the corner) theyre in the air all around the place
Mr3: (thinks for a while)  Like, in heaven?
Me: Yes, like in heaven.
Mr3: But, WHY are they?

Anyhoo, He is 4 now. So, his conversation and sniper-like questioning is WAY more sophisticated.

Mr4: When will I be just bones?
Me: A long time after you die
Mr4: When will I be just blood then?
Me: Never
Mr4: But, why?
Me: (shiiiiit I walked right into that!!!)

All jokes aside though, while he does work steadily away at my life expectancy each day with his darling little inquisitive mind, he really is the most disarming little fellow. He loves to make people laugh, he'll do ANYTHING for his big sister, and he lets me cuddle and kiss him to bits more than any child his age would normally tolerate.

To mark his big number 4 birthday, I thought I would give you a little insight to the real man behind the character. Here are 5 things you probably didn't know about Mr 4:

1. He is rarely out of costume.
Current favourites include Darth Vader (never seen the movie but loves a cape and a mask), lion with big fluffy mane (too cute to mention!), Christmas elf (or OLF as he calls it) and Daddy Pig from Peppa Pig (pillow up the shirt and Dad's shoes).

2. He thinks he is the coolest thing ever. And its possible he might just be. He totally digs Elvis, what more do you need to know.

3. His favourite song is 'One Love' by Bob Marley, and he loves the bit where they sing "lets get together and feeeel aaaalright". His favourite colour is orange.

4. He calls chop sticks 'pork chops'.

5. He wants "a different name". He is trying out 'Black Star' but he's not sure yet.

Here is something I don't normally do, a real photo of my boy. Lucky he's cute hey, I think nature gave him that blessing to help him survive the Mummy he pushes so very close to the edge each day.
Love you, Boy.