Eureka! She's cracked it!

Hey there.
Just had a sudden inspiration to share this epiphany with you.

A lot of people have asked me (and some have wondered behind my back) "Why are you so calm about all this breast cancer stuff?"
"Why are you not crying?"
"Why are you not having a good shout and punching something?"
"Dont you want to scream?"
"Arent you angry?"

The answers are, I dont feel angry. I dont really feel like crying. I dont want to scream and I definately dont feel like punching anyone or anything.

Weird, I know.

Even the surgeon who gave the me Great News in the beginning, said, "Are you OK? I have never seen a woman react like this.......you have amazing....... composure"
(Like a serial killer)
I think he was worried I might grab a lamp and crazy.... :)

And I DO know why I have felt so calm, practical and placid about the whole thing.

Its because the words "You have Cancer" are not the worst words I have ever heard.

Not by a million hundred seven thousand and twenty-six, as Mr 4 would say.

When Mum told me over the phone she had cancer, I said "Ok, what happens next? What's the plan?"
I wasnt ruffled at all.
I just thought, Cancer is not something people necessarily die from these days.
Dying never actually occurred to me at the time.
(I realize now that that's a bit weird....)

Where I grew up, every second person has had sun cancer's removed from their face or body.
Takes 15 minutes, off you go back to work.
End of story.

Ha Ha, little did I know........ So little.
But I digress.

I definitely think watching someone fight with cancer is worse than being in the ring yourself.
Like so many things.
Standing back is passive, helpless and frustrating.
I know this first hand and thats why my heart breaks for the friends and family around me.
I can see the fear in their eyes.
And the sadness.
But can they see its not in mine?

Hand on heart, I am NOT scared.

If anything I have some concerns.
And they all fall around my children and their infant inability to understand that Mummy is going to be fine.

When my sister and I nursed my Mum through a brutally fast and aggressive cancerous decline, it was like an out of control Rollercoaster, travelling on fire from the depths of hell.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Ever. For anything.

Are you getting the picture?
I feel as though the road I have traveled has put me in good stead to take a few hits.

Keep in mind this is my MUM, I am talking about.
Could it get much more awful?

The answer is a definitive NO.

My own diagnosis is a puddle of kitten piss in the park compared to that experience.

"You have Cancer" was fairly to moderately shitty to hear.
Inconvenient.
Bothersome.
Shocking.
Properly gutting for my husband and family.

But not the worst thing I have ever heard.
Start throwing around the phrase "We are moving you to Palliative Care...."
and I promise you my worst day will be re-lived and I will fall down in a puddle of Alice-sized tears.

I promise. :)