A year of living anxiously... well five years actually.

So, I have been wanting to write this blog for a while.

But I have felt like it might be a bit personal, a bit exposing.

Not for you, for me.

But I have been encouraged to just do it.
So, here goes.

When I had my son, like most mother's of new-borns, I didn't get much sleep. He didn't like to be put down.
Ever.
He went absolutely bananas whenever I put him on the bed where he could still see me, just to get changed.

Showering was a task I learned to get done in 25 seconds to the soundtrack of blood curdling screaming and I also perfected going to the toilet whilst holding my baby.

I co-slept with my babies just because it made breast feeding easier
But when it got to the 10 month mark with my boy and he couldn't sleep without being latched on to my boob, I was completely undone with exhaustion. I would lay awake in the most contorted positions keeping completely statue still so as not to rouse the angry beast who was using me as a human dummy.

Then someone told me about a secret that isn't widely known, called a sleep clinic.
So I went to the GP, told her I was going out of my mind and wanted a referral.
She had never heard of it.
I told her to look it up.
She googled it.
Nothing.
I shoved her aside and googled it for her.

Long story short, I got a 4 night booking for myself and the rest of the family.
They encourage everyone to get involved, its a bit like family re-hab.
It was awesome.

The incredible nurses helped me to teach my little man how to sleep on his own in his cot without being latched on to me.

And on night three, I SLEPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For the first time in almost a year.
Like a dead lady.

Whilst I was there, I got to see a psychologist.
They do this test for you, I guess there's a petty high percentage of new Mum's with anxiety and post natal depression.
She asked me "are you anxious?"
I said, No.
I didn't pace around biting my nails and smoking cigarettes.
So I said, No.

I did the test, and she said "You're in the most upper range of Anxiety"
I said "You what now?"

She explained to me exactly what anxiety was.
I cried.

Absolute Joy.
I have rarely felt such incredible, sweet relief in my life.
I felt like hugging everyone and telling them my good news.

Seriously, the state I was in had a name.
And from that moment I felt better.

So, over the last few years my family and I, like all family's, have had a bunch of up's and down's.
Rob and I moved with two very young children from London to country NSW.
It took almost a year for Rob to find a job.
My mum got horribly sick from cancer and we moved to North Queensland be near her and look after her with my sister.
Mum died.
We moved back to country NSW.
We bought a house.
I got cancer.
I had surgery.
I had chemo.

Its fair to say that my anxiety was a constant companion over these past 5 years.
I have been on and off anxiety medication. I am not ashamed to say so, it helped me a hell of a lot.

We all have anxiety.
Its a psychological response that helps us to behave appropriately. Not walk into traffic, supervise kids in the pool, not swim with sharks, perform well in exams that kind of thing.

But it can get out of hand and swallow you up.
Or rather, choke you up.
I can only say how it feels for me.
Its an overwhelming feeling of everything I haven't done, need to do, am not doing right or am utterly neglecting or failing at.
There aren't enough hours in the day to get it all done but I'm powerless to know where to start.
I get snappy and snakey and I drop my bundle when its safe to do so.
My mind goes at a million miles an hour and all of this is buried inside.

The best thing is, over the years I have learned to identify it, label it and cope with it.
"I'm sorry, I'm feeling anxious" is a sentence I use a lot.
There is always a reason for it.
Exams, scans, over-commitment.
I don't catastrophize or think anything wildly unrealistic is going to happen, I just feel like I am flying downhill with the hand-break off.

To try to curb it, I have to commit to less stuff, learn to say no, lighten the schedule, get out in the fresh air, breathe deeply and look at my family for strength. One thing at a time.
Slow. Down.
But it's not always as easy as it sounds.

Any hoo, I'm an over sharer from way back. I tend to think that sharing your unseen battles sometimes might just normalize it for someone else. That's why I talk freely about my experience with cancer. Because if it makes one other person feel less alone, its valuable. Ditto anxiety.
Its nothing to be ashamed of. It just is.