Are you crazy? Did you just tell your kid "Good job!?"



Parenting trends change right?
Just as you're digesting the latest expert opinion on the most effective language to use with your new-born to achieve best chances for university entry, the game changes.

Have you heard recently we're not supposed to be telling our children "Good job" or "Well done"?

Apparently "Good job" is an overused phrase in our western culture.

Well, if you're taking that line, so is "Mum I drew you (another) rainbow."
Are we going to try and stamp that out too?

Apparently we're using "Good job" too often for non-noteworthy events like eating vegetables.
Apparently we're creating PRAISE JUNKIES.
What are we supposed to say to "Mum I drew you (anther) rainbow"??

"Meh...." and shrug?

Apparently now we need to be conversational in our observations..... "Timmy I liked the way you chewed up that piece of sausage, what magic will you weave with your peas? And what is your intrinsic motivation with your carrots tonight?"

Um, you don't think perhaps that might be creating a whole new brand of anxiety riddled neediness?

Apparently offering praise is manipulating children.
Um, isn't that just a dirty word for teaching them?

The new trend is, instead of saying "Good job tidying up those toys", we're supposed to engage our children in conversation about how much more smoothly the playroom will function now.....
I hope these experts have engineered a way to insert four extra hours into my day!

Apparently "Good job" tells a child how to feel.
And steals his pleasure....

Apparently 'Silence' is sometimes the correct response to your child's efforts.
Well on behalf of all the mothers I know.... WE'VE TRIED 'SILENCE', BELIEVE ME!

Gosh I bet child services are going to be busy in the immediate future, what with all this joy dilution going on.

One expert even asks "Do you find it encouraging or limiting when someone offers you a constant string of compliments?"

Well, I don't know about you, but it crushes my spirit. Every. Single. Time.

Hey Anxious Mum's! Ready for a whole new level of your favourite game: "You're Not Doing It Right"?????

Remember the good old days when you were a considered a good parent for sitting down on the floor and playing Lego with your kids, and weren't accused of psychologically damaging them if you didn't converse about the features and benefits of the physics within the engineering design of their constructions?

Yeah, me too. Lets go back to that, I was more comfortable there.

Waddaya Mean A Heart Full of Chaos?

Miss 8 noticed I was blogging the other day and read over my shoulder and asked ..... "what is chaos?"
I told her it's like when everything is in disarray and all over the place and out of control.
"Oh." She said. (I may have lost her at disarray.....)
"Whose heart is full of chaos then?"

Which brings me to today's topic....... Waddaya mean A Heart Full of Chaos??

When I had little babies, actually before I had little babies, I knew just what kind of mother I would be. We all know before they're born don't we?
How do we know? Cause we learn it in the 'What to expect.....' books.

Same as we learn exactly what kind of birth we would like to order..... " Um, I'll have the water birth, thanks. With a side of hypnotic whale sounds, and can I have it on a bed of lavender infused sacrum rub please? Thanks, and I'll have the fast, tear free version without the medical intervention."

Bull. Shit.

That's where my "problems" started.
You think you're in control.
You're not.
Not then, at the birth.
Not when they come home.
Sure as hell not when you want to dress them like the funky little mini me's you think they'll be.
Or when you want to feed them sweet potato....

And so the reality that ensues feels decidedly like Chaos.

Well it did for me.
It wasn't and isn't at all as I'd planned.
My order got totally stuffed up in the kitchen.

Where's my Koombiya, all natural fabric, organic, quinoa and kale loving baby?? And WHY DO I STILL LOOK PREGNANT???????????

Once I got my breath back (when they turned 4 and 7), I realized that this isn't chaos, its just chaos compared to the vision I had envisaged with my VISIONLESS GOGGLES!

Its the new normal.

So I have learned to operate at a chaotic level.

I don't pay bills on time.
I often need to drag my kids grocery shopping, although I am a stay at home mum.
My petrol light is always flashing.
My family frequently dig through clean, dirty and not-quite-dry washing to find items of clothing.
I have to borrow change from my kids.
I cant plan more than two days in advance.
I am spontaneous which often bites me on the ass, even if it creates fun at the time.

I don't think I can operate any other way.

When I had children, my heart filled up with love and chaos and now its just my new normal.

Was I like this before I had kids....? Who the fuck knows.
Best thing to remember is my kids don't know any different, and they are doing better than fine, they're awesome. And that means Im happy. Win-win.
I like to think they're gaining life skills, being raised by a Registered Chaotic.

Someone told me recently I seemed like I had it altogether....
My reply? Smoke and mirrors, baby, smoke and mirrors.

xxxxxx

10 things....

So... Hi.
I'm back, and just in case you don't know me from AH-FOC phase one I thought Id' write a post to introduce myself.
Lets call it an update.....
(PS how did I never notice the acronym AH-FOC???)

Thank you for following, I love to write but if I'm honest - and I am, I have lost my confidence a little with writing and hitting publish.... But, hey, who cares!????
Lets crack on.

My name is Christine, and here are ten things you may or may not know about me.

1. I thought I had a completely original idea when I decided to write a blog... I thought I was the only Mummy writing about the ups and downs and debilitating migraines of having kids. True story.

2. I love food. I try to be thin but its just not humanly possible and also its too boring. I am NOT a food expert but I may occasionally blog about food. Sorry. And also, you're welcome.

3. I am the proud mother to Miss 8 and Mr 5. I know you will learn along the way that they are highly amusing and I adore them, and also want to hide them in a pie. In equal measures.... well, maybe 60/40.

4. I studied at the Conservatorium in a former life and I am rediscovering my love of playing music.

5. I have a husband who can live with the fact that I pretty much know everything.... but he is Tall, Dark and Handsome and has a great sense of humour so doesn't really mind that about me. And I don't mind those annoying things about him.

6. I had breast cancer at the age of 35. I don't really blog about this per say, but you know, it happened and it was very real. I had a double mastectomy (BEFORE Angelina....) and chemo, and so it may crop up in blogs occasionally.

7. I am deeply passionate about wine and if you ever discover any genius wine related products, giggles or ACTUAL wine... you should totally share them here with me. I love wine like Augustus Gloop loved chocolate.

8. I LOVE to play netball. I am utterly awful at it but my beautiful team mates are fantastically accommodating about my being on the team and if I was half as good as I am passionate, I'd be an LA Laker.... oh no wait....

9. Travel, books and vegetarianism are genuine passions of mine, but I think you need to be an exceptional writer to make these things riveting.... having said that, after the occasional dabble in (point 7) I may find it appropriate to blog about any of the above.

10. I rarely sit on the fence and invite you to have good natured conversation with me about anything I write about here. Its a forum... where people are kind to each other, but speak freely.

love and chaos. xxxxxx

The lesson Miss 7 taught me this week

I had a massive wake up call this last few days.

I was stopped in my tracks and I forgot to breathe.

I realized as I looked into my daughters eyes, that she thought that I was cool.

It was both exhilirating and profound.
It was a moment I will never forget because I will always remember the moment my baby girl stopped being a baby girl and started being a woman in the making.

I am flawed daily by the wonder that is my Miss 7.
She is the single most perfect thing I have ever known.
(Dont get me wrong there she aint perfect but she is perfection..... y'know?)

The thing that struck me this time was that I want her to be amazing and happy and successful and kind and good and I want her to have wonderful influences........
And who is it that she looks at daily and learns from and models herself on and measures others against?

Holy snapping duck shit.......... its me.

I am the role model for this magnificent little girl.
I am the bar for her.
(Not that kind of bar - the bar that is set.)

We have started to play netball, she and I.
I am loving it for the social and fitness aspects, she is too.

But it is the first time she has seen me taking on a persuit that is purely selfish.
Not domestic, or for the good of my family or household. Just Me.
Goal Shooter.
Christine. Not Mum.

And she thinks its deadly.

We were watching a talent show on telly tonight and there was this extraordinary 44 year old mother who was pole dancing like an international gymnast.
And Miss 7 turns to me and says "You should do that Mum."

AS IF!!!

But the point was that she really thought I could... she thought I might.

She believes in me and she thinks I am great and that I can do anything.

(She knows I cant always remember my keys but, y'know....)

She has seen me slide down the hideous slippery slope of chemo and she is seeing me climb back up.

Her clear blue eyes staring at me saying "why not"??? are all I need to remember and it makes me want to be better.

I really want her to be proud of me. I want her to think I am cool like I have never wanted anyone to think that ever....

So I feel affirmed of something I felt the day she was born.... that she would make me the best I can be.

Thanks baby girl. xxx

The very simple hands-free, hands-off, happy children Mummy Technique.....

I've been having a minor lifestyle crisis lately, and two conversations I had this morning with friends' I respect enormously, have encouraged me to write this bloggy thingy.

The neurotic parenting dilemma that's knotting my knickers is a pretty hot topic for folks of my age and generation.

Unlike teenagers and early twenty-types, we are not technology natives yet we are immersed in it for pleasure and for work and for socializing.
Unlike them, also we are (broadly speaking) raising children.

Unlike the empty-nesters, who are also catching on and using technology in every day life, we are trying desperately to find that balance between the extensive use of technology in our homes, our lives (sometimes at out dinner table), and the less connected way in which we were brought up.

We are the last generation to remember the world pre-internet, pre-smart-phone, pre-playstation.

The good old days.
The days when families had conversations.
The days when a chat with friends didn't revolve around what we've both already read on FaceBook.
The days of backyard cricket.
Board games, tree climbing, lego, painting, mud, cubby houses, marbles, BOOKS!!!!!!

Y'know?
I know I'm sounding like every grown up through history... "In My Day" but bear with me.

I know there is such a thing as balance.
And I'm trying, I really am.
But I am pannicked that the delights of childhood are being neglected and I worry about my kids becoming..... Boring.

This all comes off the back of a talk I heard on the wireless (ha ha!)
from a guy who had pinpointed the fear we have developed of allowing out children to get bored.
He spoke about how much imaginative play and discovery and mischief had been born from having "nothing to do" in his childhood.

I want that for my kids.
I want them to have ideas, and imagination, and initiative!

I know there are technological devices which claim to encourage these things but its not the same.

Then I wonder if this really IS preparing them for the real world - maybe being mindless morons who stare at screens all the time is exactly where we are all heading.

The other thing he spoke about was out modern day fear of allowing our kids to get hurt.
Note: he did say 'hurt', and not 'maimed'.

I couldnt agree more with him.

Anyone reading this will know that I am a pretty hands-off mum.
I let my kids climb on stuff and hang upside down and play where I cant always see them.
They learn.
And they become resilient.
And guess what?
Pretty much, they have never once broken their skulls or been abducted from our front garden.

We are so damn controlling. And so much of it comes from fear.
I know we are supposed to protect our baby's but what are we protecting them from?
What are the chances of a shattered collar bone?
I KNOW it happens.
But HOW OFTEN????
WHAT ARE THE ODDS????

Surely the trade off of freedom and discovery and childhood memories of running free are worth rethinking the restraints we place on kids "learning the hard way".

Now I realize it sounds like the way I am doing things is what I believe to be the right way.
But actually its the opposite.
I'm all like, HELP!!!

I'm stuck between the old world and the new world and I dont know how to make it just right for my children who I want so desperately to have wonderful childhoods and also to grow up to change the world for the greater good!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I want to put them in front of the telly when they are shitting me to tears, but I want them to sit up at dinner and speak eloquently about their day at school.

I want them to be fluent and skilled on the computers in the classroom but I want them only to read paper books and do puzzles in their spare time at home.

I know a family who have a 10 and an 8 year old boy.
They have no television and they have no computer type games in the house.
They play musical instruments for fun, are both very talented at drawing and they live by the beach, where they like to surf.

If I had my way, I would mold my household to be more like that.

But I do love to flop in front of the telly with my husband sometimes (sometimes I hate it) and, like I said, its also a great babysitter.

So what is the upshot?
I have come with a problem, but I was taught to also turn up with a solution.

The answer......

It's me.

I have to expose them to the delights I feel they might enjoy and which will enhance their lives.
I have to follow my gut with regards to allowing them freedom whilst remaining safe.
And I have to set an example with screen time and the way in which I use technology.
How many of my waking hours do I want to invest in FaceBook?
Do I want to teach my children that its ok to have a conversation with me while scrolling a phone screen???

Terrible habits set terrible examples.
And when it comes back to bite me on the ass, it will be MY FAULT.

So the crux of it all, I have decided, is that I should live my life in a way that sets an example of a balanced, happy, well-rounded, creative, thinking person and hope that my children can make choices based upon what they are exposed to.

Right.... no big deal.
I can do that....... I think.......

Stage One: you wont be seeing me on Facebook much in the next little while.
Great suggestion from a very smart friend, I'm going to try it too.

Lots of love.
xxx

Go F#$% yourself 35

So, its been a while since I wrote but I'm back with a good'in'.

Its my birthday tomorrow.
I just want to go over a few facts as to why I am glad that my 35th year is over.

As if you dont know..... well maybe there are some things you don't know.

I am so glad my 35th year is over.
It was the WORST year of my otherwise blessed life to date but some great things happened too:

1.) I feel like I stopped grieving for my Mum.
Don't get me wrong, every time I need her or remember how bloody funny she was, my heart breaks and fills up with chaos. Her absence still takes my breath away.
But I think I turned a corner where my heart was less under the shadow of losing my Mum, and more able to carry on without my greatest teacher and biggest fan.

2.) I have a new level of respect for my husband. (You know I don't normally blog about T,D&H)
He quit smoking this year.
I am so proud of him for doing this. He has taken a massive step towards what I would regard as ensuring my children may not become orphans. (I only think that when I'm being a massive drama queen, but it's true.... isnt it?)

3.) My sister has become a nurse and works in a palliative care ward where she helps people to die with dignity and minimal pain. That is a job only the most humane and compassionate people could do and I cant believe that my baby sister has become such a living angel. The pride overwhelms me.

4.) My children have blossomed into people with early war-wounds.
They don't realize it but having lived a year with a Mum fighting breast cancer has given them stripes. They have experienced fear, grief, despair, uncertainty and enormous love and communal nurturing. They dont know it, but this experience has put them in great stead to face future challenges and I am already so speechless at the little humans they are shaping up to be.

5.) I have met more people who are going to die soon this year than most people will meet in their lives.
Funny thing about cancer. I really cant even count the women I have met this year who will definitely die in the foreseeable future.
Now, I grant you, this doesn't belong in a list of great things..... but if you saw them and heard them and experienced what a dying person does on a day to day basis when she is living on borrowed time, you too would count this as a blessing.
Un. Be. Freaking. Lievable.

6.) I have what has been described as "Common or Garden Variety Brest Cancer".
I am not going to bore you with the details but, believe me, this is GREAT news.

7.) Chemo is OVER!!!!!!!

8.) I got a very real picture of how much I mean to my family. You probably never get a full idea of how much you mean to your dad and the rest of family til you have to tell them you have cancer. It gives you real perspective on how much they love you. Which in my shittiest year - 35th - is a lot.

That's enough.
You get the point.
I am counting my blessings BIG STYLE and I am bringing in 36 with champagne, friends, family, new beginnings, hope and lots of love and gratitude.

Thank you beautiful readers and supporters for following my little blog.

Christine. xxx

The Eleven Year fairytale.....

Once upon a time there was a young girl from Australia who landed on a plane in London with nothing but a a borrowed Kathmandu backpack and a desire to flee a stifling relationship.

Her plane landed very early one December morning at Heathrow and after an eye opening train ride she arrived in west London, hunted down a packet of cigarettes and checked into her Hostel.

It was cold. She didnt care. She felt excited and full of hope for adventure. The sun was just coming up.

ENTER STAGE RIGHT TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME FELLA LOOKING FOR A LIGHT.....

Do you have a light?
Why, yes I do....

He commenced a relentless pursuit of the young Australian girl, and after a very, very long time she realized he was tall, dark, handsome and possibly something more.....

By the New Year, they were a couple. (If you know what I mean ;-)  )

FAST FORWARD 18 MONTHS

Young Australian girl marries Tall, Dark and Handsome chap in very low key, but high romance setting on the Thames in London.

I think you'll agree they look a handsome and happy couple.

You can see why he thought all his hopes and dreams were answered that day. ;-)

FAST FORWARD FOUR YEARS

SURPRISE!!!!!!

A heavenly baby girl, followed two years later by a delicious baby boy are gifted to the young couple.
They are smug as hell that they have been blessed so and count their blessings daily.

Continuing their journey through the tunnel of love, they pack up their life in London and migrate to Australia.

Over the next four years they manage to weather a storm that see's them survive: joblessness, penniless-ness, anxiety, loss of two parent's, miserable winter's, the purchase of their first home, and several ponderances of how the hell anyone ever thought they imagined they knew what marriage would entail.

Guess what????
Its not about the dress!!!!
And having fun and laughing isnt what trues love is about and the reality is both terrifying and exhilarating.

On their tenth anniversary they had a wonderful weekend away where they ate out out, slept in, and played uninterrupted games of scrabble in bed with wine. Ten years. What an achievement. They were very proud of themselves.

Then one day, the now not quite so young Australian girl goes to the doctor.......

You know this part, but in case you dont, there was a scare:
http://aheartfullofchaos.blogspot.com.au/2013_02_01_archive.html

Closely followed by a nightmare:
http://aheartfullofchaos.blogspot.com.au/2013/03/a-heart-full-of-faaaaaaaaaaark.html

But back to the youngish couple: neither of them saw their greatest challenge coming.
They were blindsided and scared.

The youngish girl saw fear and sorrow in the youngish man's eyes when they learned that she had aggressive breast cancer.
He had a look of child-like terror in his eyes and she was distressed to imagine that she might become yet another tragic loss in his life.
She wondered whether he deserved this terrible curse, and if he ever thought about having married someone who might not have this awful disease. Someone who would stay young and beautiful and healthy til much later in their married life.....

But he didn't. And she didn't. And they ventured into Cancer Land together and scared to death.
Hand in hand.
They soon realized, ten years on, exactly what it was they had committed to all those years ago.... in sickness and in health.

He never wavered from his role as dutiful husband and through thick and thin he fulfilled every requirement a husband could ever have and then some.

They were both able to see that their beautiful children were a blessing, this time in the form of a reason to fight on and survive the seemingly impossible.
Most days, the act of helping the children to believe that everything would be ok, even when they didnt think it might be, was a job in itself that kept them going.
They made all things into a game.
Shaving Mummy's head, looking after mummy, visiting mummy in hospital were fun family activities.

The youngish couple soon learned a lesson that helped them to see beyond the mundane in everyday life. They quickly learned how blessed they had been and that they had sweated the small stuff far too often.

They celebrated their 11th wedding anniversary in a very low key manner, almost in a hopeful way, because now they realized that every year is a gift and that you just never know what is round the corner.
From one year to the next.
But that commitment and loyalty count most of all.
And that maybe wedding vows should include :

In sickness and in health, in good times and in times so bad, you want to shit your pants, cut, and run.....

I do.