Eureka! She's cracked it!

Hey there.
Just had a sudden inspiration to share this epiphany with you.

A lot of people have asked me (and some have wondered behind my back) "Why are you so calm about all this breast cancer stuff?"
"Why are you not crying?"
"Why are you not having a good shout and punching something?"
"Dont you want to scream?"
"Arent you angry?"

The answers are, I dont feel angry. I dont really feel like crying. I dont want to scream and I definately dont feel like punching anyone or anything.

Weird, I know.

Even the surgeon who gave the me Great News in the beginning, said, "Are you OK? I have never seen a woman react like this.......you have amazing....... composure"
(Like a serial killer)
I think he was worried I might grab a lamp and crazy.... :)

And I DO know why I have felt so calm, practical and placid about the whole thing.

Its because the words "You have Cancer" are not the worst words I have ever heard.

Not by a million hundred seven thousand and twenty-six, as Mr 4 would say.

When Mum told me over the phone she had cancer, I said "Ok, what happens next? What's the plan?"
I wasnt ruffled at all.
I just thought, Cancer is not something people necessarily die from these days.
Dying never actually occurred to me at the time.
(I realize now that that's a bit weird....)

Where I grew up, every second person has had sun cancer's removed from their face or body.
Takes 15 minutes, off you go back to work.
End of story.

Ha Ha, little did I know........ So little.
But I digress.

I definitely think watching someone fight with cancer is worse than being in the ring yourself.
Like so many things.
Standing back is passive, helpless and frustrating.
I know this first hand and thats why my heart breaks for the friends and family around me.
I can see the fear in their eyes.
And the sadness.
But can they see its not in mine?

Hand on heart, I am NOT scared.

If anything I have some concerns.
And they all fall around my children and their infant inability to understand that Mummy is going to be fine.

When my sister and I nursed my Mum through a brutally fast and aggressive cancerous decline, it was like an out of control Rollercoaster, travelling on fire from the depths of hell.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Ever. For anything.

Are you getting the picture?
I feel as though the road I have traveled has put me in good stead to take a few hits.

Keep in mind this is my MUM, I am talking about.
Could it get much more awful?

The answer is a definitive NO.

My own diagnosis is a puddle of kitten piss in the park compared to that experience.

"You have Cancer" was fairly to moderately shitty to hear.
Inconvenient.
Bothersome.
Shocking.
Properly gutting for my husband and family.

But not the worst thing I have ever heard.
Start throwing around the phrase "We are moving you to Palliative Care...."
and I promise you my worst day will be re-lived and I will fall down in a puddle of Alice-sized tears.

I promise. :)

100 Likers Post....

So, hello there, welcome to my 100 Likers Post.
In case you're wondering why it matters if a blogger has 5 readers or 20 readers or 100 readers, let me tell you I wasn't sure why either.
So, I had a think, and this is what I have come up with...

I write my blog for a number of reasons:
From the first blog I wrote, I felt a huge gush of pleasure when I had finished. I really felt good. Its very cathartic. Its like keeping a diary, but you know, leaving it open for one or two hundred people to read. It helps me nut things out and have a laugh at the same time.

So, if a person writes a book and sells 20 copies its good. If she sells 100 copies its better.
If a person puts on a play and 20 come people come, its good. If 100 people come its better.
Its about sharing the thing you've created. 
Having an audience.
If I really wanted to keep an actual diary, I would, you know write it and not hit PUBLISH.
So, I like that people read my blog. Consume my words and hopefully get a laugh.

Anyhoo..... If you've been with me since the birth of this blog, six months ago, you'll note some changes have occurred. (If you haven't, take a trip through the months if you get some time to spare - maybe I'll re-post some favourite blogs....)

A Heart Full Of Chaos all started rather predictably as an outlet for a bored frustrated stay at home mother to two, wife to one.
Here's something you didn't know - I had NO idea that there was a whole sub-species of mummy-bloggers, I swear I had never read even one.There are like, a zillion of them... us.

Too much washing, too much hoovering, too little time, two amazing children with too much ability to drive me cuckoo. Too little creative outlet, too frustrated.....

And just looky where we've found ourselves six months later!!

There is no way that I will be able to avoid blogging about my new journey through Cancer Land.
Athough it seems like a sharp turn around, it isnt really.
Its just still me blogging to understand and make sense, and have a laugh at whats going on in my world.

The references to my kids which til now have been amusing and charming, will be just a bit more painful. You see, in amongst all this medical carry-on, the only thing that makes me feel really heart broken is my babies proximity to it all.

They don't know mummy is sick, or mummy is going to lose her hair, or any of the other shit that might go down. But I promise you to always conduct myself with good humour and to share the bits I think you'll enjoy. I am sure Mr 4 and Miss 6 will still come up with the goods.

You see, I really enjoy writing this blog and so will keep dancin' to entertain you all. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts and comments. (The comments by the way are sort of like the audience clapping at the end of the play....up to you.)

LOVE!!

A Heart Full of FAAAAAAAAAAARK!!!!!!!!!!

Yes folks, if you read my last post, you will know that the title of this post ^ ^ ^ ^ herewith does indeed mean that the results I had been awaiting last week, were in fact, Shitty News.

Last Friday at about 5pm my already slightly pear shaped world moved ever so slightly closer to 'The Dogs.'

You know when a surgeon comes into the reception area and looks at you and the only other patient, and says "Christine, I'll see you last, today......." Its unlikely to be a celebratory consultation. It is fair to hedge your bets that it wont be a quick, light hearted delivery of stress relieving news. And you can bet your left leg that he isn't saving you for last cause it'll be over real quick.

Nope, in fact what is likely to occur is something this:

Dr Tits: (no eye contact, shuffling pile of papers on desk) So, Christine, how are you?
Me: I don't know, how am I?
Dr Tits: Well, I'm afraid its not good news.
Me: No kidding. (am I going to throw up?? maybe.....)
Dr Tits: I'm sorry to tell you but the Pathology report (the afore mentioned pile of papers) has come back showing that the cancer is in fact widespread throughout the breast and (YADDA YADDA YADDA) Invasive cancer was found to be present (YADDA YADDA YADDA) Mastectomy (YADDA YADDA YADDA) Chemotherapy (YADDA YADDA YADDA) As soon as possible. (Yadda.........)

Hm.

Did. Not. See. That. Coming.

I notice that people, including Dr. Tits have stopped telling me I'm lucky.
Frickin' right, UN-bloody-Lucky more like!

Now, I have never been a 'Why Me' type of person.
I never asked the question when Cancer struck down my beautiful Mum so young.
And I'm not asking it now.
Why Not Me?
Its going to have to be someone, might as well be me.
Luck of the Draw.
I have never felt like a victim in any of this, but you know what? I will be Struck Down by an angry travelcade of infectious sword wielding Malignancies before anyone takes anything from my children.

FUCK. THAT.

You leave my children out of this, and that means You have chosen the wrong girl, Asshat.
You can take my Boobs but you CANNOT TAKE MY KIDS' MUM.

NO.

Besides that little bit Angry Warrior Queen in me, my heart feels...... quiet.

I feel calm and well resourced.
I am dealing with this in practical terms. Appointments, schedules, surgeons, oncologists, cup-sizes....
I am surrounded by a super powered band of Angels who are helping me and holding me up every step of the way.
I am well placed to deal with this ( I don't really fancy the word 'Fight' either...)

Other words I don't like so far in Cancer Land : Brave, battle and journey (PUKE!)

This isn't a journey, I was already on a journey, this is a detour, a glitch in the journey.
And soon enough, I will be back on the original journey.

With a killer new sets of Boobs :)