50 Shades of Bitch....

Example of conversation when my husband went back to work on Monday this week:

Colleague: So, how was your weekend?

TDH: Yeah, OK. I got to see both my wives this weekend.

Colleague: Huh?

TDH: Yeah I have 2 wives. Christine and Darthveena.... they both live in the same body, one is my normal wife and the other is an evil mutant witch who sometimes posses her and make my life a complete living nightmare.

Colleague: Ah. Right. OK. So.... I'll catch you later yeah?

True story. Or at least veeeery likely to be a true story.

So I had one of those days on the weekend, you know where you're pretty sure everyone is out to make you flip your lid. When you're sailing really close to the edge of what is normal and sane. Some people call is PMS, I like to call it 50 Shades of Bitch, cause let's face it, that's what it is....

YOU tell ME, are these the actions of a sane woman?

1. When I went to find a scrap of paper to jot down these ideas, all the pieces seemed way to small and annoying, which made me HURL my pen across the room. (Mid flight, I actually hoped it might smash the window.....)

2. The brown papery skin on the onions, which is unnerving at the best of times, lets face it, was sticking to my fingers and flying all over the kitchen floor and almost caused me to become COMPLETELY UNHINGED.

3. I couldn't find my mobile phone - I didn't actually need it, but the frustration almost caused me to fling myself on the floor... I actually looked around for a space big enough. My husband caught a proper mouthful of venom for the missing phone - he found it (irritatingly), just where I had left it. Idiot.

4. I overheard my husband speaking in hushed and urgent tones to the children in the bath: "quickly, quickly mop up this mess before mum see's....... quick guys, please!" I'd go so far as to say he was pleading..... what did he think would happen???

5. My friends called and said I should go spend the evening with them, to give my family a BREAK..... they even offered to tie me up if I got "feral". When I asked hubby what he thought about my going, he sat very quiet and still and avoided my gaze for some reason.....

6. When I presented Mr 3 with grilled cheese on toast for lunch, and he had the AUDACITY to complain, I got down to his eye level and said in a perhaps overly sinister voice:
"Mister. You. Are. Dancing. With. The. Devil!"
(To which he replied "What?")

So...... I have another 44 examples of things which completely INCENCED me on Saturday. If I am very honest, they might not have been necessarily reasonable situations in which it would have been appropriate to mame someone - which I didn't.
But thank FECK I only get PMS about once a year - when I do though, Darthveena is a Halloween Spectacular.

Happy Monday's....

God I love Mondays.

Serious. Love 'em.

Its the day both my kidlets are in school and TD&H is at work.

I like to call it my "Catch Up and Recover Day".
Not really, but I like the sound of it, I might call it that from now on.

Its pretty great to have a Monday flying solo. After the weekend, whether we have been running around being busy, social and fabulous, or we have stayed at home the whole time, lets face it - the house is a tip. And the fridge is empty. And the washing basket is overflowing AGAIN......
There is just something that makes it all OK when you know by 9.30 on Monday morning you have the quiet and the head space to carefully assess ground zero and then sit in your garden and get stuck into your coffee and blogging in Peace!!

Speaking of weekends, I have observed recently just how medicinal they can be.
We just had a weekend packed solid with friends, food, get-together's, gardening, sunshine, celebrations, and I just feel so damned energized from it all.
My poor kids had their eyes hanging out of their heads this morning, but we all had such a beautiful two days. It really is therapeutic to down tools and hang out.

Especially if you have a Seksy Solo Monday to catch up on all the other stuff.
Happy Monday to you all!!

Genius.... I say we should all do it!

Reality Check

I have noticed so many people writing about their miseries lately......

My iphone charger is broken....... grrrrrrrr!!!!

There wasn't enough sauce on my Subway today..... grrrrrrrrr!!!!

I had to wait three minutes for a cab this morning....... grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

I kicked my toe and my Manolo Blahnik got scuffed....... grrrrrr!!!

I say,  Dudes!!!!
You're lucky to have iphone chargers, sandwiches, cab money and fancy shoes.

Then I realized as annoying as those petty things are, I moan too. Quite a bit really....
About my housework, the washing, the kids, small wine glasses, TDH (tall dark and handsome), traffic, cooking dinner, being tired, dishes, the dog, the ducks, the weather..... and I say DUDE!!!
Get a grip!

And THEN I think: No, Frig it. I can moan. We all can. You know why? Cause shit happens.
You just have to be really careful to balance out your venting with Gratitude.
Why?
Firstly, cause it makes you less of a winger, secondly cause it creates Karmic balance and thirdly cause You Is Blessed, right?

Its the old adage of glass half full or half empty.
Your glass may be half empty (and believe me I feel your pain) or even three quarters empty, but surely, SURELY you got just a little dribble in that glass to drink (aka blessings to count)???

If all else fails, look someone you love in the eye - your kids if have some (even if they're being little turds) and just think about how lucky you are to have that person in your life.
 
Alternatively, think how good it would feel to kick them in the shins....;) Just THINK it, dont Do it.....

Merry Friday Peeps!!!

Thursday Giggle

 

LOL!! There is just something about the phrase 'Pie Hole' that gets me every time.... :)

Genuine Question for y'all.....

OK, so you know I struggle with the "domestic" side of the Stay at Home Mum gig a bit (like a one-legged trapeze act).
What I am wondering is, do you think my chores list for today is:

a) Normal
b) Lazy ass
c) Selfless and bordering on over-doing it.

Here it is:

*Make beds (I don't do this regularly but I'm toying with the idea it might help the place look tidier with minimum effort.)
*Empty all the inside bins (one can only put this off for so long....)
*One load of washing (cant commit to drying it or putting it away....)
*One medium size shopping trip (done that already!! :)))))

How does that compare with your average day of jobs?

Laughing makes Tuesdays go faster!!!

5 disturbing changes in me which may or may not have anything to do with Ageing...

The following points have come to my attention lately and I am concerned that they may put me into the category of "mumsie", "aged", "frumpy" or even worse "old"....

1. I hate clothes shopping.
   The equilibrium required for enjoying clothes shopping has been upset irreversibly upset for me.
   Its  a very delicate equation which I am sure you are aware of:
  
        QUIET + CONCENTRATION + SPECIAL OCCASION  + ME TIME
    > ANYONE NOTICING WHAT YOU'RE WEARING  X  FEELING SEXY
                           -------------------------------------------------------
        SPARE MONEY <  STOMACH NOT DESTROYED BY PREGNANCY

  = ENJOYMENT OF CLOTHES SHOPPING

   You see the constants and the variables are all buggered. (That's a mathematical term....)


2. I find myself enjoying a throw. You know the soft fluffy bits of pointless fabric you drape over chairs and beds? Only moments ago, I am sure I thought them dust collecting and contrived rubbish, now I am oddly drawn to their ability to add colour and texture..... I told you this was disturbing.

3. I own linen skirts and trousers, and yesterday, I IRONED some of these items.....

4. The youth of today deeply concern me. They are untidy and they think that's cool. They swear too much, their music is vile rubbish and they think the world owes them a favour. (I realize of course that this is a drastic generalization and I'm wondering whether this isn't another sign of potential old-ness....?) In my day we were never like that I can assure you.
 
5.  I have to keep asking my husband what year it is. And then we have wrinkled brow conversation where we hold up our thumb and fingers and glancing skyward have to count for a minute til we can agree. True story.


***Credit: that this post is inspired by my new FAVE blog The Domestic Project. Please check her out she is Hilarious and I want to be like her when I grow up.

A Lesson for my Children....

 

This is a lesson I really want to teach my children. I realize its a biggie, but I find it hard to think of a trait I find more important than kindness. I really believe that if you are kind you are almost certainly also thoughtful, empathetic and loving. Who doesn't want that for their kids?

Mr 3 and Miss 6 are still so young but in its simplest form this lesson can crop up in their lives every day.

I also believe it may end up being a good defense against bullying in the future.

 

I'd love to hear if you have a motto or a lesson you live by or try to impart to your kids, please feel free to share. x

Dont laugh...

Don't laugh peeps,but I am attempting, no, I am absolutely and successfully completing Ocsober.
So far its a breeze!
(Sorry? Whats the date?)
Anyway, if I am not seriously thin at the end of this "crazy social experiment" I am going to be one veeeeeery peeved mumma bear.
Wish me luck!

Lower your voice Dude!!!

So I was at the park yesterday, and my children as usual were behaving like angels and playing beautifully (!!!!!!)
No, they actually were, but there was one downer: three teenagers with skate boards and nothing to do but tip sticky fizzy drink all over the small children's' play equipment.
Worst of all they were swearing like sailors. Really swearing, all the worst words and really loud. My blood was understandably boiling. I literally had to bite my tongue.
 I know this will divide the crowd, and some would say I should have spoken up, but I know my husband would have told me to stay out of trouble just me against them with two small children in my care. They could have come back at me with all sorts of abuse and that would have upset my kids way more than rude words they didn't understand.

Anyway, Mr 3 announces that he wants to go on the swings - the same ones the teenagers were standing on and smoking.
So I said in a soft voice, "Lets just wait mate til those stupid idiots are off the swings..."
I know I shouldn't have said that but I was becoming quite furious.

A few minutes later, the teenagers abandon the swings and move on to the small children's climbing frame.
Mr 3 announces at FULL volume (delighted to use the S word) "Come on, those stupid idiots are off the swings now!"

Time stood still - what will unfold now I thought in slow motion......


Well, blow me down if those idiots didnt pick up their skateboards and bugger off!
I should have just set Mr 3 on them in the first place!

Flammable imagination....

I just cant get out of my head a picture of walking through the park on school holidays and small children combusting all over the place!! Evil, I know....

Aint that the truth!

Ha ha!
I look back and laugh at the pre-baby me (and everyone else - sorry) at how we think we have choices in rearing our children. And how we think we might get to exercise our principles on raising new humans, you know, impeccable manners, nutritious meals all day every day, strict sleep routines, washable nappies ( I know, mad right?), complete clarity on right and wrong, breast feeding, marriage survival, oh there are too many fables to mention....

YOU DONT MAKE THE DECISIONS YOU NAIVE CREATURE!

YOUR CHILDREN WILL IN FACT RAISE YOU TO BE THE PARENT THEY WANT YOU TO BE.....

Best way to survive this realization? Try not to remember all the ludi regimes and habits you were going to implement and get on with making toast with just-butter, and buying pre-packaged everything. Give yourself  a break and remember that kids are born into this world as humans with very strong wills and personalities of their own. They are not the blank little canvases baby books make you think they are.

Then one day, despite never feeling like you were getting it right.... the tantruming little cocoon will start to show signs of becoming a beautiful little butterfly, and you will realize that along with all the muddling and chaos and second-guessing, maybe, just maybe you did do something right even if you haven't spoken to them in Latin and fed them line-caught salmon, quinoa and organic spinach every day....