People often contact me when they have a friend, colleague or family member who falls ill or is diagnosed with cancer.
They often ask me what I think they should do.
It's human nature to DO something isn't it?
And it's certainly in our nature to do the RIGHT thing.
Except, mostly when the big moment comes.... it's really hard to think what the right thing to do is. You want to help. You want to be supportive, you want to let the person know you're thinking of them. And lets face it, you want to make the whole thing go away.
Here are some of the most thoughtful things that people did for me when I was having chemo and just after I had surgery when I was really fragile.
1. Send a letter. Or a post card. There is something quite unmatched in the joy of getting a personal note in the mail. This is also really useful if you're not sure what to say in person. I received beautiful little handwritten cards from time to time and I kept them. It might not seem like much but it's so appreciated, trust me.
2. Cook something. This is one of the first things people think of. GO WITH IT! We all need nourishing and no matter how great a cook the person is, when you're poorly, you don't want to cook. I was the very grateful recipient of a gorgeous cooking circle which a dear friend of mine organized. Every day for three weeks a mystery parcel arrived on my front veranda containing dinner and dessert. It makes my heart ache now just thinking of the richness of this gift. You don't have to do anything big scale like that, but if you can drop off a batch of cookies or a pot of soup... it's love, and it's practical. Tick, tick.
3. The gift of time is priceless. Go sit with them if you can. Be brave, I know it's hard and it's easy to say "I'll just give them space". But if everyone gives you a lot of space all at the same time, it can feel a little lonely.
4. If they have kids and you are equipped to do so, take them and do something nice with them. One of the things that really ate away at me when I was curled up on the couch under a blanket with a bucket, is how my poor kids weren't getting the fun stuff I try to do with them. Watching them watch another movie broke my heart. When they had fun outings and got a little bit spoilt I felt so unburdened.
5. Clean! Now, you need to be careful with this on because it can be misinterpreted. Some people like, me, don't mind. Bestie came in each time I went for chemo and freshened up my bathroom, floors and kitchen. I came home to clean sheets and it was the BEST. You really need to seek permission for this one. You don't want to suggest that they're not coping. I have also heard of work colleagues giving vouchers for a cleaning service, then the person can organize it themselves.
6. Flowers, chocolates, mixed tapes. Good old fashioned, personal ways to remind the person that you're there holding their hand.
7. Celebrate the milestones. The person may not be up to having a big rocking party, but after chemo hot chocolates, cake, video night, foot massage. Again just a gentle hand holding exercise that will go a long way to supporting your friend.
Anyway, just a few ideas to pass on. I know its hard to think of ways to show someone you're thinking of them. I struggle too, but I have learned a lot from all the love I received in so many different ways.
Got any other ideas? I'd love to hear your experiences. xxx
